Review: Teeth (3/5)

Ancient mythology speaks of vagina dentata. Folk tales relate stories of women with toothed vagina that castrate men’s member during sexual intercourse. It’s a story no one has probably heard of, but in the 2007 Sundance hit aptly titled “Teeth”, the myth achieves urban legend status and shows the world how sinister and gratifying it is for a woman to have vagina dentata.

Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a teenage spokesperson for a Christian group that advocates abstinence and celibacy among the youth. She meets Tobey (Hale Appleman) in the same group and it’s evident that they both like each other. ‘Like’ is a four-letter word and so is ‘lust’. When they visit a secluded swimming spot, the two try not to entertain their ‘unpure’ thoughts of seeing each other butt naked, but the more they try not to, the more they do. Damn that purity pledge.

The flesh sure is weak. The two began kissing and Tobey forced himself into Dawn, that’s when the unthinkable happened. A snapping sound is heard. Tobey screams frantically. Dawn screams as well. And the camera zooms in on Tobey’s wang. However, Tobey’s wang is not in its usual place anymore, rather it is seen on the floor. Another satisfied customer of vagina dentata. Congratulations.

Dawn desperately seeks for answers that will explain her condition. As she wrestles with her morals and guilt, she realizes that this curse is also a gift so that she can protect herself. From there, you can just imagine how our heroine turns herself from virginal to spiteful villainess hungry to emasculate more assholes.

“Teeth” is not your typical horror film. You won’t find random apparitions of long-haired women or guys screaming for help while Dawn runs after them in the lawn. This horror film slash dark comedy is a story of first love and innocence lost, and eventually transforms itself into a female revenge fantasy – a woman’s answer to men who only look at them as sex objects. Payback is a bitch.

Careful young lads, before you put your pole in that hole, be sure to inspect that there are no teeth in there.

* Good news: “Teeth” is coming to our cinemas soon. Its trailer is already playing in Robinsons malls, and its poster can already be seen in Gateway mall.


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