April Film Log: 3D Monsters, Party Monster, Theron Monster, et al.

MONSTERS VS ALIENS
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Rob Letterman (Shark Tale) and Conrad Vernon (Shrek 2)
TAGLINE: Alien Problem? Monster Solution.
STARRING: Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Kiefer Sutherland
ECLIPSE MAGAZINE SAYS: Hollywood is going overboard with animated films this year and it's going to wear thin really quick. This isn't a bad movie, it's just really generic.
I SAY: Despite the 3D format and the celebrity voice talents, this film may be glossy and humorous but it falls short on landing anywhere near Pixar’s standards.

PARTY MONSTER
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato (Party Monster documentary)
TAGLINE: Till death do they party
BEST LINE/S: Greetings, citizens. We are living in the age where the pursuit of all values other than money, success, fame and glamour, has either been discredited or destroyed. Money, success, fame, glamour.
STARRING:
Macaulay Culkin (‘overdrugs’)
Seth Green (too fabulous to be overdrugs)
Marilyn Manson (death by overdrugs)
Chloe Sevigny (would rather be overdrugs than be filmed in another blowjob scene )
SEATTLE POST INTELLIGENCER SAYS: Equal parts freakish fashion show and tawdry melodrama of the rise and fall of a superficial celebrity.
I SAY: Flamboyant, loud, and unapologetic of its avant-garde, sometimes over-the-top adaptation of the true-to-life novel “Bloodbath Disco”. It may be a bit too peculiar, trippy, or psychedelic for those who can’t relate to the hysteria substance abuse can cause, but is still watchable at the very least.

MONSTER
RATING: 1/5
DIRECTOR: Patty Jenkins
STARRING:
Charlize Theron (in which version of the world will a woman with this looks be a prostitute)
Christina Ricci (the worst butch lesbian in cinema)
FILM BLATHER SAYS: Constantly, almost pathologically, making excuses and rationalizations for the brutal murderess.
I SAY: Although Theron’s transformation is unbelievable, this film remains nothing but an exploitation of the life story of Aileen Wuornos, a highway prostitute slash serial killer. Vile, repulsive, and highly skippable.

FROST/NIXON
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Ron Howard (The Da Vinci Code, A Beautiful Mind)
TAGLINE: 400 million people were waiting for the truth.
STARRING:
Frank Langella (resigned president trying to get away with murder with his words)
Martin Sheen (Brit talk show host trying to give Nixon the trial he never had)
SANRIEL AJERO SAYS: Instead of turning into a big political bore, this film veered into one of the most thrilling battle of the wits we’ve seen on screen as of recent memory.
I SAY: Although rousing, this character study will be hard to relate to unless you know your history… or more fitting, ‘their’ history.

Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men, Great Expectations)
BEST LINE/S:
Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea.
Play with babies and you'll end up washing diapers!
STARRING: Ana Lopez Mercado, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Diego Luna (threesome, anyone?)
JAM! MOVIES SAYS: As bittersweet as it is sexy, the movie also shows how superficial the portraits of Mexico are in conventional Hollywood movies.
I SAY: A steamy and sexy road trip movie.

BLINDNESS
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Fernando Mereilles (City of God, The Constant Gardener)
TAGLINE: In a world gone blind, what if you were the only person who could see?
STARRING:
Julianne Moore (she can see)
Mark Ruffalo (eye doctor gone blind)
Gael Garcia Bernal (greed and lust personified)
Danny Glover (not Captain Hook)
MOVIETIME SAYS: As a study of human nature under pressure, focusing on the crimes we commit as well as the bonds of solidarity we forge, it's unremittingly dour.
I SAY: Although the film is saturated with brightness and glare, the sordidness of this world barely surviving on the edges of apocalypse is graphically vivified. However, the material is teeming with logical plotholes large enough to fit a 10-wheeler truck.

IN BRUGES
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Martin McDonagh (Six Shooters)
TAGLINE: Shoot first. Sightsee later.
STARRING:
Colin Farrell (suicidal)
Brendan Gleeson (fatherly)
Ralph Fiennes (couldn’t stop swearing to save his British arse)
SANRIEL AJERO SAYS: After attending to the extraordinary circumstances in the lives of our two leads during the entire running time of the film, a conclusion as bizarre and explosive as such is nothing short of perfect to cap of their mad and sometimes idiotic existence.
I SAY: A mad mix of history, culture, and blood. All set in the fairy tale-ish Bruges. Btw, that’s in Belgium.

THE WACKNESS
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Jonathan Levine (All the Boys Love Mandy Lane)
TAGLINE: Sometimes it's right to do the wrong things.
STARRING:
Josh Peck (juvenile weed dealer)
Ben Kingsley (marijuana-smoking psychiatrist)
Olivia Thirlby (troubled chick)
Famke Janssen (dissatisfied wife)
Mary Kate Olsen (trippy and bulimic)
JOSH LARSEN SAYS: The movie reeks of nostalgic self-glorification.
I SAY: Teenage angst, coming of age story, dope, first love and heartbreak. These elements are commonplace in a dozen of quirky indie comedies. Sundance, aren’t you getting tired of this?

REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA
RATING: 1/5
DIRECTOR: Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw II, III, and IV)
STARRING:
Alexa Vega (diseased)
Anthony Stewart Head (can take your gut out in three seconds)
Sarah Brightman (blind soprano)
Paris Hilton (addicted to surgery)
MTV SAYS: A movie in search of a cult. Good luck.
I SAY: Songs that lack harmony, amateurish acting, and plain disgusting. The filmmaker sure knows how to cook up a recipe for a catastrophe.

IN THE BEDROOM
RATING: 1/5
DIRECTOR: Todd Field (Little Children)
TAGLINE: A young man. An older woman. Her ex-husband. Things are about to explode...
STARRING:
Sissy Spacek (bitch slapper)
Marisa Tomei (cradle snatcher with an extra heavy baggage)
Tom Wilkinson (‘baggage dispatcher’)
APOLLO GUIDE SAYS: A courageous film – one that’s willing to leave questions unanswered, relationships unresolved and injuries unhealed.
I SAY: So quiet, it’s already disquieting. Filled with restrained and understated emotions. You know that’s not my cup of tea, hence the rating.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Marc Foster (Finding Neverland, Monster’s Ball)
STARRING: Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko (partners in crime)
WINDY CITY TIMES SAYS: Plenty of thrills, just enough bedroom action, and a smattering of witty retorts to keep things crackling.
I SAY: So action-packed, it’s already numbing.

MAGNOLIA
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood, Boogie Nights)
TAGLINE: Things fall down. People look up. And when it rains, it pours.
STARRING: Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tom Cruise, John C. Reilly, William H. Macy, Felicity Huffman, Philip Baker Hall
CHICAGO READER SAYS: A wonderful mess.
I SAY: Lengthy, extravagant, and too ambitious. The interchanging stories dissipate the momentum and focus built by the previous vignette.

MULHOLLAND DR.
RATING: 1/5
DIRECTOR: David Lynch (Inland Empire, Lost Highway)
TAGLINE: A love story in the city of dreams.
STARRING: Naomi Watts and Laura Harring (plays Betty, Diane, and Rita interchangeably while securing a pucker from each other every now and then. Silencio!)
WASHINGTON POST SAYS: An extended mood opera, if you want to put an arty label on incoherence.
I SAY: Lynch takes pleasure in mentally torturing his audience by asking them to find a safety pin in a haystack while blindfolded. After more than two agonizing hours of bizarre imageries, Mulholland Dr. will just leave you dazed and confused.

MYSTIC RIVER
RATING: 2/5
DIRECTOR: Clint Eastwood (Changeling, Gran Torino)
TAGLINE: We bury our sins, we wash them clean.
STARRING: Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, and Kevin Bacon (childhood buddies who grew apart when one is taken away by the ‘wolves’)
CULTURE VULTURE SAYS: Riveting moviemaking in the popular vein. Eastwood avoids easy answers and sentimental compromises.
I SAY: The less exciting brother of “Gone Baby Gone” (also penned by novelist Dennis Lehane) due to Eastwood’s signature drag.

MY BESTFRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND
RATING: 1/5
DIRECTOR: Mark Reyes (Resiklo, ITALY)
TAGLINE: Love comes in unexpected packages.
STARRING:
Marian Rivera (someone tell her to stop dancing)
Richard Gutierrez (someone teach him how to act)
JC De Vera (someone shave him)
A RANDOM BLOGGER SAYS: A perfect example of what a perfect romcom should be. It helps you be inspired to find someone to hug and cuddle with
I SAY: Better off as an episode of “Dear Friend” or “Your Song” on TV. Uninspired and clichéd story penned by screaming girls who just had their first menstruation.