There's a fine line between being atmospheric and just being boring. This film -- about killer tree pollen -- is filled with long lingering pastoral shots of trees and tall grass punctuated by laughably spectacular mass suicides. In what is supposed to be a gripping suspense sequence, the heroes run away from the wind. Oooh, scary, scary wind. By the time the credits roll, you're more likely to be nodding off instead of contemplating the movie's "deep" ecological meaning.
THE WICKER MAN
The 1973 original, which was hailed as "the Citizen Kane of British horror," has an ending that still shocks. The only shock to be found in Neil LaBrute's unbelievably bad remake is the realization that well-paid movie professionals actually thought that dressing up Nic Cage in a bear suit would elicit anything other than laughter.
After watching the original Japanese version of the flick, a genuinely spooky flick about technology and loneliness, you'll never look at your computer in the same way again. This version, on the other hand, just felt stale. Moody lighting? Check. Freaky music video-like dream sequences? Check. Overbearing soundtrack? Check. Wildly over-produced special effects? Check. Vacant, gym-sculpted teens stumbling around in the dark? Check. The resulting movie, like most J-Horror remakes, was so dull that you could say it, um, lacked a pulse.
Director Wes Craven has helmed horror masterpieces like Nightmare on Elm Street. Screenwriter Kevin Williamson wrote Scream. And star Christine Ricci is great at playing cute and creepy. So why is "Cursed" such a bore? It plays out like werewolves on the CW. The characters are all whiny, spoiled 20-somethings, and after the studio cut down the violence to get a PG-13 rating, there weren't any thrills left over. The only frightening thing about the flick is the bizarre Scott Baio cameo.
Stephen King has been responsible for some of the most terrifying books of all time. But, he's also responsible for some of the dullest and silliest movies ever. When lists are compiled of people's biggest fears, "dropping a few extra pounds" isn't generally on there. But that's what happens to the overweight lawyer who gets a gypsy curse placed on him until he withers away to nothing. To break the spell, his mobster buddy strong-arms the shaman into transferring the curse to a pie. "The Shining" this ain't.
See the full list at: